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Friday September 03, 2010
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The Joule: an Energy News Comedy web site by 8th Sister
BP buys United States
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- By Chuck 07/05/2010
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Washington D.C. - BP experienced heavy trading today when the company CFO Byron Grote announced the intended purchase of the United States of America as a less-costly alternative to paying damages resulting from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.
The plan includes leveraging the future cost of oil expected to be pumped from existing wells in addition to expected oil well property value increases.
More
BP Claims Gulf of Mexico for Great Britain
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- By Chuck 05/12/2010
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In response to the declaration by the U.S. that they are considering “pushing BP
out of the way” More
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You think you're better than us?
- By Chuck 05/12/2010
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Well? Do you, punk? You think you got the chops? Well, get your write on and
submit to The Joule.--> Submit
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GM announces saltwater-fueled automobile
- By Jeff 07/05/2010
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Detroit – Auto executives announced a new line of cars to be rushed to the marketplace by the fall of 2010. The new 10-cylinder SUV, tagged the “Gulf,” is a far cry from the smaller hybrids dominating the market in recent years.
“Since the discovery of high-octane ocean water deposits off southern coast of the U.S., the necessity for smaller vehicles has diminished,” said GM spokeswoman Ima Merry-Andrew. “There’s an ocean of energy down there and there’s no reason to believe it’s going to dry up any time soon.”
Critics are quick to point out that the Gulf of Mexico will likely return to its non-petroleum-laden state by the fall season.
Merry-Andrew was quick to reply, “As long as BP is drilling down there, we’re sure there will be a never-ending supply of high-octane water for our new line.”
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North Pole goes green
- By Rich 07/05/2010
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Nuuk, Greenland – In a decision that could have wide-reaching implications for the coal industry, North Pole Corp. announced Wednesday that it will no longer be issuing lumps of coal to its good-deed-deficient minor clientele on Christmas Eve. In the past, environmental advocates have been concerned with spikes in coal usage in the northern hemisphere during the winter months.
Despite NPC’s contention that this is primarily the result of home heating, many advocates point to Santa Claus’ policy of giving out lumps of coal. NPC spokesman E. L. Finance says that NPC’s case that their “one time use of 250,000 tons of coal every winter is nothing compared to worldwide consumption bordering on 7 billion tons annually.” He was quick to add that “this is not and never was an economic decision. Santa is deeply concerned with environmental issues, especially global warming … for obvious reasons.”
In the past year, sources within NPC have indicated that Mr. Claus, NPC’s President and COO, has conducted secret studies to determine the environmental and economic impact of switching from coal to clay. This has come as the coal companies have pressured Santa to make the switch. The coal industry has suffered from bad publicity as a result of the association of coal with the performance of bad deeds, and will likely benefit from NPC’s decision.
Mr. Claus was unavailable for comment.
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Oil well cap success prompts BP to diversify
- By Jeff 07/05/2010
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Houston – Based on the seeming success of the 75-ton cap placed upon the hemorrhaging oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, BP America has announced its intention to diversify into other industries.
“If there’s a silver lining in this incident,” says BP spokesperson Pollyanna Hoper, “it’s that forged steel caps can be used to cover up just about anything.”
Capitol Hill republicans were the first to inquire about the massive metal structures. “This could be the solution to runaway big government spending,” sniped one beltway insider.
BP has received other inquiries from a variety of other interested parties.
Former Hollywood hunk Mel Gibson contacted the cap manufacturer stating he had something he would like to “attach to a 75-ton hunk of metal and dump in the ocean.” After further negotiations, it was determined that only a 100-lb model would be necessary.
Immediately following the funeral of New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig reached out to BP representatives. Said one insider, “We’ve needed a cap for years. Now that The Boss is in the ground, we can slow the money pouring out of the owners’ coffers.”
Soon-to-be-former BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward couldn’t be happier with the sudden fortune befalling his beleaguered company. The oil magnate has already put in orders for a dozen more caps emblazoned with his image. “They’re like monuments to man’s ability to handle crisis effectively,” he says proudly. “Whether we blow another well or two, or ship them off to outside interested parties with concerns to cover up with 75 tons of steel, these things are moving like hot scones.”
