Nuuk, Greenland – In a decision that could have wide-reaching implications for the coal industry, North Pole Corp. announced Wednesday that it will no longer be issuing lumps of coal to its good-deed-deficient minor clientele on Christmas Eve. 

Santa Concerned With Environmental Issues

In the past, environmental advocates have been concerned with spikes in coal usage in the northern hemisphere during the winter months.  Despite NPC’s contention that this is primarily the result of home heating, many advocates point to Santa Claus’ policy of giving out lumps of coal.  NPC spokesman E. L. Finance says that NPC’s case that their “one time use of 250,000 tons of coal every winter is nothing compared to worldwide consumption bordering on 7 billion tons annually.” He was quick to add that “this is not and never was an economic decision. Santa is deeply concerned with environmental issues, especially global warming … for obvious reasons.”        

North Pole Corp. Conducts Secret Studies

In the past year, sources within NPC have indicated that Mr. Claus, NPC’s President and COO, has conducted secret studies to determine the environmental and economic impact of switching from coal to clay.  This has come as the coal companies have pressured Santa to make the switch.     The coal industry has suffered from bad publicity as a result of the association of coal with the performance of bad deeds, and will likely benefit from NPC’s decision.    

Mr. Claus was unavailable for comment.