An attack by British Forces against the Lands of Mordor failed today as the Brits new solar uniforms malfunctioned due to the lack of sunlight in the land where the shadow lies. Talk about embarrassing “wardrobe malfunctions.”
Why Solar Uniforms Won’t Work in the Lands of Mordor
The new uniforms were created through a £650,000 fund to Glasgow University, and utilize special photovoltaic, thermoelectric panels and fuel cells that are interwoven into the uniforms to provide power to their electronic devices, thus eliminating the need for quite so many battery packs.
The forces of Mordor are led by Sauron Jr., who took over after his father’s demise at the hands of a joint coalition of Gondorian and American forces.
“They are no match for the might of Sauron Jr.,” the de facto ruler was quoted as saying.
No Night Vision Goggles!
The no-fly zone, being enforced with the help of the Gondorian Carrier Aragorn, is still in effect. No Ringwraiths have been seen in the skies for at least an age.
“I was so looking forward to using our new night vision goggles,” one British Commander was overheard saying as he wiped a lone tear from his eye.
Solar Power = No Night-Time Invasions
When asked why the suits couldn’t be utilized just using the thermoelectric panels, we were informed that solar power was the main power source for the uniforms. Looks like the days of the night-time invasion are at an end.
One spokesman from the British MOD was quoted as saying that during a recent Mordor-invasion exercise utilizing the new uniforms, “We’ll need to attack at 10 a.m., from the East, while a wind is blowing west. That way our packs will have had some time to charge, sunlight will be mostly on OUR side of the barriers, and all of the smoke will be blowing away from us.”
Next Up … The Arctic!
Calls to British Army Central Command in Mordor went unanswered. It is feared that communications in the area utilize the same solar technology. Dreams of the next Pax Britannica will have to remain just that, at least until the planned invasion of the Arctic this November. Problems are foreseen, however, since the long Arctic winter will begin around that time.