Tree Killers Consortium Says “Down With Trees!”


Today the Tree Killers Consortium (TKC) announced plans to step up its destruction of trees worldwide. Active in the Amazon Basin for years, a statement was issued in which a TKC spokesman was quoted as saying, “We need to kill more trees. If we plan on hitting our goal of no trees by 2050 we need to step up our efforts. Down with trees!”

When it was brought to the spokesman’s attention that trees turn carbon dioxide into breathable oxygen, the spokesman just laughed and claimed it was a conspiracy. He then said he was going out for a smoke and would be back later.


The Benefits of Trees


In addition to producing the oxygen that we need, trees also help to reduce many harmful pollutants in the air. They absorb water, helping to prevent flooding, as well as hold the soil in place. They also provide shade for our homes, cutting energy costs in the summer.


Osama Bin Laden Tree Wanted


In related news, U.S. military forces announced plans to step up their efforts to find the elusive Osama Bin Laden tree. Officials said they would spare no expense in their man hunt, which has stretched to 10 years.

“Hard to tell one tree from the next, but we’ll get him, even if we have to take out the whole forest,” an unnamed U.S. General was quoted as saying.


The True Dangers of Trees


During a pentagon briefing, reporters were told just how dangerous trees can be. Every year hundreds of broken bones are blamed on trees. That doesn’t even count the home damage caused by the numerous trees falling or dropping limbs during storms.

And even though this reporter sees all trees as being the same, government officials warn continuously against extremist trees, claiming that even though you can’t see them at work, they are there.

Officials then commenced raising the tree threat level from apples to oranges.

 

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